


Medication

by Julia_child_1980



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Explicit Language, F/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 10:29:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6371263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julia_child_1980/pseuds/Julia_child_1980
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Annika starts working for shield, but all the unresolved issues make it hard. For both of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Medication

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to wicked games. If you haven't read it yet, but want to read it, please read that one first, as this one is one big spoiler for it.

My name is Annika Schmidt. I was created as a genetic experiment by Hydra. I was created for the sole purpose of seducing and assassinating my targets. I can excrete pheromones at will and I can put images, thoughts and feelings in men’s heads. Also I have an enhanced intelligence, which makes me a chameleon, I can learn any skill in months and I can turn into any woman I think my targets would be most interested in.  
About a year and a half ago I started working with my last target, Shield Director Phil Coulson. I spend around three months as his girlfriend, with the orders to assassinate him when Shield would be at his weakest. When the time came to assassinate him, I couldn’t, so I wounded him, broke his heart and fled. Back in the arms of Hydra I was given a new target immediately. But soon I found that I didn’t want to be Hydra’s whore anymore. There was only one person who could help me.  
So I called Phil, who agreed to let me defect. I was a prisoner and test subject for three months. Only women were allowed near me. I was debriefed very thoroughly. They got me on some medication so I can’t use my special abilities anymore. After three months they must have decided I was trustworthy enough to let me see Phil again. He told me that I could be a level 1 agent, he offered me an apartment on Shield premises. I could see he felt hurt. I could see that he still had feelings for me, god knows I still have feelings for him. But I betrayed his trust and now that I am an agent, not a consultant anymore, a relationship would be highly inappropriate. Still it’s very hard to look at him without thinking what we were and what we did.  
My first assignment would be to become a therapist. I had been a therapist before, for one of my other targets and I slipped into my old persona like a glove. The therapist of a person of interest would go on vacation and I would take over, so I could interrogate him about a certain issue. I had been taken off some of my medication for about a week before the first meeting, so I would be able to send some images and thoughts into his head, hoping it would make him open up faster. I was glad they were trusting me, but I also knew that they were probably testing me. It was a low-priority assignment and if I were to screw up there wouldn’t be big ramifications and they could just throw me back in my cell.  
So there I was, sitting in a therapists office, wearing a suit and black rimmed glasses. The man, who was a average looking man in his late thirties, had been a middle man in recruiting inhumans for Hydra. Shield wanted to know anything that could lead to names or locations. They wanted to make sure the inhumans wouldn’t fall into the hands of Hydra.  
“Mr. Jones, my name is Dr. Schmidt, I am substituting for Dr. Hofstaedter who is on vacation, but wanted to make sure some of his patients weren’t left without care.” I sent an image of an inhuman to his brain. “What would you like to talk about?”  
The man sat down, looked me over and sighed. “I am not sure. To be honest when I came here I wanted to talk about my parents, but something else came to the surface.” I sent him a pang of guilt.  
“Are you sure all of this will remain between us?”  
“Well I am recording this session for Dr. Hofstaedter. But it will remain between the three of us.” I send him a feeling of trust. The man sighed again. “I have been doing something I feel guilty about, I am not really sure if I’m doing the right thing.”  
“Tell me about it.” I send him a flood of remorse, hoping it would make him want to talk.  
“I don’t really know where to start.”  
“Why don’t you start at the beginning?”  
“Well, you know about those people who have special abilities? Inhumans I think they call them?”  
“I have heard and read something, yes.”  
“I have been helping an organization recruit them. But I am not sure what happens there.” I send an image of how Hydra would treat their inhumans if they stopped being useful. I also send shame.  
“Tell me all about it, you might feel relieved after just telling someone.”  
The man talked like a waterfall, after an hour I had some real starting points for the team that would take over. During our conversation I send him feelings of relief to encourage him.  
“I am sorry but your hour is up.” The man thanked me for listening and I told him Dr. Hofstaedter would see him again in two weeks. “I feel relieved telling you all this, I am glad you aren’t judging me.”  
“I am not here to judge, just to listen and maybe give you some pointers how to handle things.”  
About fifteen minutes after the man had left, I picked up my own things, left the building and got into the car Shield had waiting for me to bring me back to HQ. My handler was sitting next to me. I gave her the recording. “I am sure you will find this very interesting.”  
“So it was worth it.”  
“Definitely.”  
“Thank you.” She gave me some pills, so my abilities would be repressed again. I took them without hesitation. She debriefed me some more, asking me how I had used my abilities and I told her. 

That evening I heard a knock on my door. The apartment was sparsely furnished. There was a small kitchen, a living room and a bedroom with an en-suite bathroom. There were no personal things, as I didn’t have any. I opened the door, and to my surprise Phil was standing in front of it.  
“Hi.”  
“Hello, I heard you did good today. The team has enough starting points for weeks.”  
“Do you want to come in?”  
“Sure.”  
He followed me to the kitchen where I made him coffee. I knew exactly how he liked his coffee.  
“You know you are allowed to make the place more to your taste.”  
“To be honest I have no idea what my taste is. Still have to figure a lot out.”  
“I am sorry.” He looked worried. I took the two mugs of coffee to the living room and asked him to sit down.  
“I was wondering how you are doing.”  
“To be honest, I don’t know. I am 33, almost 34, but I have no idea who or what I am, what I am going to do with my life. I betrayed the only man I ever had feelings for and now I am working for him, making me uncomfortable on my best days and downright miserable on my worst days.”  
He looked hurt.  
“I had no idea.”  
“And I know we are not getting back together, which makes it even harder to have to look at you knowing what we were and what we did.” My medication must not have been working properly, because I inadvertently send him an image of the two of us, in one of our most intimate moments. I saw him flinch, doing that thing with his jaw when he internalized his emotions.  
“I am sorry, I have no control over it when I get emotional. Hydra must have given me something to keep it in check better.”  
“I understand.” He looked sad. “I do still have feelings for you, but I can’t be sure where the truth ends and the lies start.” I just nodded. “The things you told me when you shot me were really… hurtful.”  
“I didn’t just break your heart that day. I broke mine too. Most of what I told you was a lie.” I tried very hard to keep my emotion to myself, I didn’t want him to feel the sadness I was feeling.  
“Most of it. So what was the truth?”  
“I gave you a compliment, remember, that was the truth.” His jaw seemed to relax a bit. The compliment I had given him had been about certain talents he had in the bedroom.  
“So when you told me that you could never fall for me, those cold words, they were a lie.”  
“I have said those words to a target many times, but this was the first time I was lying when I said them.” Again I inadvertently send him something, this time it was the emotion of how my heart had broken when I lied to him. He got up.  
“I think I should leave. Being around you is highly confusing and like you said, we are not getting back together. First of all you hurt me, second it would be highly inappropriate for the director of Shield to be in a relationship with an asset turned agent.”  
He left my apartment and I just sat down on my couch. I started crying and I let it all pour out. I couldn’t care who else in the building could feel my emotions.  
In the following weeks they left me alone. I guess there was no assignment for me. I didn’t see Phil, he must have been avoiding me. I read a lot, not just books but also magazines about home décor and fashion, hoping that I would learn more about my own tastes. But with most furniture and dresses I just thought of the persona I was when that furniture was in my house or when those dresses were in my wardrobe. So I just walked around in my uniform, which was okay for now. Maybe one day I was allowed to go shopping and find some clothes that suit me.  
After three weeks my handler came by to tell me that I had to get of my medication again. They would need me to persuade an asset to give Shield certain information and I was to use my feminine wiles.  
“If you succeed, we will give you some new liberties. I will take you out of the premises once a week, to go shopping or maybe to a museum.”  
I didn’t like the idea of again being some sort of prostitute for the organization I was working for, but at least I didn’t have to sleep with the guy, and I did like the idea of getting out of the premises.  
So there I was, in a little black dress, leaving little to the imagination. I was sitting in a bar with a man in his late forties.  
“If Shield thinks that I am giving up the information they want just because they sent a pretty girl in a revealing dress, they are wrong.” I tried to read him, find out what he would need to feel to give up the information I needed. I went for a mix of desire, attraction and trust. I put my hand on his hand, making sure I got some of my pheromones on his skin.  
“Look, I’m just here to get the intel. I am a junior agent. But if you don’t want to give it to me I think I should leave.” I send him a pang of regret and the wish to talk to me further.  
“Why don’t you sit down and talk to me, we can see if I am willing to give Shield the information.” I knew what he was thinking. He wanted to fuck me in exchange for the intel. I was okay with that. I had slept with worse looking men, pretended to be their girlfriend, or their mistress to later kill them. At least he would remain alive. And I would show again that I was loyal to shield. I send him some images of us together, in a more intimate setting. I could see his eyes gleaming. “Maybe we can take this conversation a little more private.” He told me.  
So I did what was required to get the intel, I went to a hotel with this man, gave him the night of his life, and left with the intel.  
I got into the car again, sitting next to my handler, giving her the intel she wanted.  
“I can’t believe you did that.”  
“At least he survived. Most of the men who shared my bed can’t say that.”  
“If the intel pans out I will take you out of the premises on Saturday. Any preferences where you would like to go first?”  
“I was thinking about the Met, I think I should start with something like art to see what I like, what evokes emotion before I can move on to things like clothing and furniture.”  
“Sure, we will go to the Met, and eat sushi afterwards.”  
“Thanks. Could you do me another favour?”  
“Maybe.”  
“I would like to start training some basic combat techniques. If that’s okay.”  
“I will discuss it with Phil.”

That night there was another knock on my door. I knew exactly who it was.  
“Hi, come in. I must warn you though, medication is not working yet.”  
“I know. Your handler told me about today.”  
“Yes.”  
“Did you really have to sleep with that man to get that intel?”  
“Probably not, but it was the easiest way.” I saw him move his jaw, internalising his emotions.  
“I thought you wanted to defect, because you didn’t want to feel like a prostitute again.”  
“I didn’t want to be hydra’s whore anymore. I chose to sleep with this man, to get intel for shield, no one forced me, I could have chosen a different strategy, that’s the difference. I chose to use this strategy.”  
“I would prefer if you would use a different strategy in the future.”  
“Why? It’s not like I am in a relationship or anything, I’m not accountable to anyone but myself in this regard, it’s my body.” I sounded cold, but I accidently send him a pang of hurt. I saw him flinch, swallowing his emotions. He changed the subject.  
“About starting to train basic combat techniques. It’s okay. But only basic. Natasha will train you.”  
“Thanks Philip.”  
So that’s how my weeks went. I trained almost daily with Natasha, spend my Saturdays with my handler, visiting museums, window shopping. Every two or three weeks I went on an assignment, using my abilities and my own style to get the job done. 

I had been an agent for around four months, I had been promoted to level 2 by then, when my handler told me she had a very special assignment for me. She told me I wasn’t going to like it, but that I couldn’t decline.  
“We need you to go undercover with Phil as his wife. A week, on a resort, to get one of the big guys recruiting inhumans for hydra.”  
“No, no way.” I was shocked about the fact they were even considering this, it was such a bad idea.  
“We need your skills during the opp.”  
“I can’t.”  
“I know about your past with Phil, but this isn’t a request, it’s an order.” I became furious, had I not been on my medication, the whole building might have felt my anger.  
I stormed out of my apartment, walking straight to Phil’s office. I didn’t wait for his secretary to announce me and stormed into his office. There were some agents sitting there.  
“What the fuck, Philip, how can you do this to me?” I screamed, tears down my cheeks.  
“Guys, could you excuse us please?” he asked calmly, the agents making themselves scarce.  
“Philip, I can’t go undercover as your wife.”  
“I am sorry, but I need your skills during this opp.”  
“I can’t stand being in the same room with you for five minutes without wanting to crawl into bed in the foetal position and cry my eyes out, how do you expect me to spend a week with you on a sunny resort. As your wife.” My anger had turned into despair.  
“Your handler hasn’t told you everything yet, we’re supposed to be on our honeymoon.” He said it calmly, softly, stoicly. His lack of emotion just made me feel worse.  
“So I would have to behave all lovey-dovey too . What the fuck, Philip, I know I messed with your emotions, but this is not the way to get back at me.” I screamed, sobbing.  
“This isn’t about that and you know it. I know you can do this.” He was still calm, but I could see that he was swallowing his feelings.  
“Oh, I can do this Philip. I can make everyone believe I am the loving second wife. But there is just no way I can get back to the status quo after that. The only way I’m hanging on is by distancing myself from us.” Phil walked up to me and touched my face. I took his hand and removed it. “Please don’t, it hurts to much.”  
“Don’t you think it hurts me. If there was anyone else who could take on this opp I would have asked them. And it breaks my heart every single time I see you hurt like this. But I can’t open my heart to you again. I can’t give you a second chance there.”  
I looked away in shame, wishing I had defected before I hurt him, maybe I could have saved our relationship then.  
“How am I supposed to spend a week with you on a sunny resort, pretending to be newlyweds, sleeping in the same room as you, acting all in love in public, but not able to really touch you, kiss you, make love to you?”  
“I am sure you can find a way, Annika.” He almost sounded cold now. “We will have suite with two bedrooms, so you don’t have to sleep in the same room as me.” The tears were streaming down my face. I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes.  
“I really hate you for doing this to me.”  
“If hating me makes it easier for you, then please hate me. I have hated you for a while too.”  
“And how do you feel about me now?”  
“You know how I feel about you. How I will always feel about you.” He put his arms around me and I let him, my head on his shoulder. I could smell him and it took me back to times when we were together. Fortunately I was on my medication, because there was no way I could have had any grip on my emotions. It was likely not only Phil, but the whole building would have seen the images of me and Phil, would have felt the love and the heartbreak. He broke off the embrace. His hands were on my shoulders, he looked into my eyes.  
“You have four weeks to get ready. Maybe you should try to find a way to master your emotions. If you want I can ask Bruce to give you some pointers, he is a master at it.” I nodded, trying to calm myself down. “We can’t have the whole resort in despair when you have a bad night.” I smiled a bit through my tears. “That’s how I like to see you, smiling.” He smiled at me and kissed my forehead. That intimate gesture warmed my heart a little.  
The next four weeks I spend my days getting ready for the operation. I trained with Natasha, I meditated and practiced mindfulness with Bruce and I invented the persona who would be perfect as Mrs. Thomas Anderson. First I had thought about the dumb gold-digger type, but I had decided on the career woman/mistress turned wife. I went shopping with my handler to get the right clothes and jewellery. I was completely in my element creating a new persona, getting her exactly right. I had my hairstyle changed, changed my accent to a mid western one. I tried to learn the skills of a mid-level manager, fortunately it was just a brush-up from an earlier persona.  
About a week before the opp would start Phil came by my apartment.  
“We need some ground rules. You will be off your medication.” We walked into the kitchen where I made him coffee.  
“You are afraid I will manipulate you again.”  
“Yes.”  
“Let’s just agree that if you don’t mess with my emotions, I won’t mess with yours.”  
“You know we are pretending to be newlyweds right, I am sure some emotions are going to bubble to the surface.”  
“I can handle those emotions. I have been practicing with Bruce. You know exactly what I mean.” We walked to the living room where he sat down on my couch. I sat down next to him, taking a sip of my coffee.  
“I think I do.”  
“You know how easy it would be for me to make you forgive me, make you feel everything again, as soon as I am off my medication. But I don’t want to do that. If you are to forgive me it should come from you, because you want to, not because I am sending that feeling to you.”  
“Thank you for that.”  
“Would it have been different if I had defected before I tried to kill you?”  
“No, it wouldn’t. I might have been able to forgive you, but you would still be a Shield agent, and we still couldn’t be together. It would just make it harder on the both of us.” I could see he was feeling conflicted. I lifted my hand to touch his face, but before I reached it he grabbed my wrist and pulled it away. “Don’t make this harder than it is, Annika.”  
“For me or for you?”  
“For the both of us. Do you think I don’t feel conflicted, that I don’t hurt when I see you?”  
“Well you are the king of internalisation. You have that little twitch in your jaw, when you swallow back your emotions.”  
Totally out of the blue he kissed me, it felt desperate, as if he had held back forever. At first I responded, but then I pushed him away.  
“That’s exactly what I was talking about when I asked you not to mess with my emotions.”  
“I am sorry.”  
“It’s not me who says we can’t be together, it’s you. You are the one throwing up roadblocks. I think you should leave.” He did as I asked, leaving my apartment without a single word.  
The weird thing, knowing he was hurting too, secretly wishing he could be with me, as I was wishing I could be with him, made me feel slightly better. I was not the only one with a broken heart.  
That week had one more obstacle, they wanted us to make some wedding shots. They had gotten me a really pretty wedding dress. So there I was, standing next to Phil, who was wearing a beautiful blue suit, standing in front of a green screen. I was in better control of my emotions, but I couldn’t help thinking, if we had met like director and consultant, but for real this time, no deception, would I have been picking out my own dress? The thought was bittersweet and I know he must have been thinking about it too, especially since I had been sending him all these images of weddings and suburban life when we were together.  
The picture of our first dance was especially weird. But Phil tried to make it funny.  
“Not exactly how I pictured it, our first dance, but then again, that was your image, wasn’t it?” He smirked  
“It was, I am sorry.” I looked away, blushing.  
“Don’t be. It’s okay.”  
That was the first time I had an inkling he could forgive me for what I did. 

So there I was standing on the porch of a beach house in a luxury resort. I was bending over the railing, looking over the ocean. It had, as Phil had promised, two bedrooms, and we had both taken one. I was wearing a long, light blue linen dress and a wide brimmed sun hat. I wore big sunglasses, that hid my sad expression. I was still unsure how I was going survive spending my days pretending to be Phil’s wife and my nights sleeping alone.  
Phil came out on the porch and stood next to me.  
“Are you okay?” I smiled at him, and had enough control over my emotions to keep them in check.  
“Of course I am.”  
“Glad to hear that. But if I were to ask you take your sunglasses off, would your eyes say the same?”  
“They would tell you that the sun is really bright here and that they would rather be closed.” I smirked at him.  
“Ready?”he held his hand out for me. So I took his hand, put on my lovey-dovey face and walked with him to the restaurant, where Shield made sure we got a table close to our target, where I would start my attack. I would make him interested, keen to meet us, trusting, hoping he would approach us. I would give his female companion the wish to befriend me.  
We entered the restaurant, talking to each other, but I had spotted my targets immediately, sending them the appropriate feelings and images. I spend a nice dinner with Phil, pretending we were newlyweds, all the while working my targets. And it worked, while Phil and I were drinking a glass of wine after dinner at the bar they approached us.  
“Hi, my name is Harry James, and this is my girlfriend Sandra. We thought we would introduce ourselves, we are neighbours after all.”  
“Thomas Anderson and my wife Annika.” Phil put on his most charming smile. “So you are the people in the other beach house.”  
I started talking to the girlfriend, making her trust me. I told her about our wedding, she was enthusiastic about meeting new people and I fuelled that enthusiasm. Meanwhile I kept an eye and an ear on the men, doing my best to send the right signals to ‘Harry’.  
About an hour later the four of us walked from the restaurant to the part of the resort where the beach houses were situated. We said goodbye at the door of ours, Phil had his arms around my waist, we must have looked exactly like to people in love, who couldn’t keep their hands to themselves.  
But as soon as we got in the house, he turned all distant and professional again.  
“You have done quite well. There was no way we could have established rapport like that with him in such short time. He would have never approached us without you.”  
“Thanks.”  
“Can I offer you another glass of wine.”  
“I am afraid that if I drink one more glass I will no longer be in control.”  
“Club soda?”  
“Sure.”  
“Annika, can I ask you something? Now I have seen you work?” I sat down on the couch, kicked of my shoes.  
“Of course.” He gave my drink and sat down next to me.  
“Was I an easy target?” I turned my body toward him, pulling my legs underneath my body.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Was I so gullible, naive?”  
“You really wanted a connection, someone to spend your life with. That made it easier than, let’s say, a happily married man. So yes, you were an easy target.”  
“I understand”  
“I really don’t want to talk about this.”  
“Maybe we should, clear the air and all. I think you owe me at least that.”  
“Fair enough. What do you want to know?”  
“You were part of Hydra’s plan to destroy the Avengers and Shield, right?”  
“Probably, but I was not privy to the big picture. I was just given my target, learned as much as I could about them to seduce them, get close to them, and kill them when the signal was given. I was just a small cog in a big machine. But I have told Mel all about that during my debriefing, I am sure you read the reports.”  
“How many targets did you have before me?”  
“One target a year since I was 18, which made you number 15.”  
“And I am the only one to survive.”  
“Yes.”  
“Why?”  
“You know why.”  
“Because I am the first man you had feelings for.”  
“Second, there was a guy when I was 16, he was my first. But Hydra moved me away as soon as they found out. After that I swore I would never let my heart broken again. That’s maybe the reason I can’t really handle it right now. I don’t have any practice.” I smiled at him, melancholy in my eyes. “Can I ask you something?”  
“Of course.”  
“Do you think you will ever be able to forgive me?”  
“Would it change anything?”  
“It might make me feel better, it would definitely make you feel better.”  
“I’m healing, trying to forgive you, but you being around doesn’t make it easier, it’s hard to move on with you around. But I need you here at shield, so I have to let my professional needs take precedent over my private ones.” I moved over to him, touching his face. He let me.  
“I am so sorry about this. I have made a mess out of things.” I got up. “I think I should go to bed, before I make a bigger mess out of it.”  
“Sleep well.” Phil said.  
“Night night.”  
My sleep was unsettled that night, I had been so tempted to make him love me again, manipulate him so he would just take me to his bed. But I had made him a promise, and I was planning on keeping it. But I couldn’t help imagining how it would be, the two of us, on a real vacation at this resort. How he would hold me at night, how he would fuck my sun kissed body after a long day at the beach. How his little touches would be real, how his affection was not pretend. 

The following day Phil came up to me.  
“I don’t know how to put this, but you were sending last night, not really sure if it was intentional. If it was we have an agreement and you should stop it. If it wasn’t, uhm... maybe you should meditate before going to bed. What you were sending was quite graphic and intimate.” I started blushing the moment he told me I had been sending. “So, not intentional. I will try to forget then.” He smirked at me. “Please, do. Oh, my god I hope that you were the only one receiving, it would be terrible if anyone else would see. It’s terrible that you saw.” He smirked again. “Nothing I haven’t seen in real life, don’t worry about it.” “Don’t worry about it? Don’t worry about it? You are not supposed to know.” “I already know how you feel without you sending.”He grabbed my wrist and pulled me in his personal space. “I know exactly what you want.” I could see his pupils being dilated. “Philip, please, don’t mess with me. I haven’t been messing with you, not intentionally anyway. I walked away yesterday to prevent myself from doing that.” “Too late for that.” He grabbed my upper arms and moved me a step back so I was pinned against the wall. “Philip, please.” I asked him with tears in my eyes. I knew there was no way I could resist if he would go on, there was no way I could say no and stop it if he kissed me. I didn’t want to fight him, although I knew that would be best. So when he kissed me, I responded, not caring anymore about sending anything.  
When there was a knock on the door I was relieved. Phil opened the door with a growl: “WHAT!” It was one of the agents stationed on the resort to support us. The poor guy didn’t know what hit him, trying to be oblivious to the fact that his boss’s lips were swollen, pupils dilated and that I tried to get away from the situation. I was happy Phil was wearing very loose pants, as if he had been wearing tight jeans there would be a certain bulge apparent.  
I went to my bedroom while Phil talked strategy and tactics. I decided to do my morning meditation, just to get everything back in check.  
Half an hour later Phil came into my room.  
“I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”  
“No, you shouldn’t have. But it was kind of my fault too, I am still learning to get my sending in check, and I guess you are a very open receiver, because of our history.” I smirked. “Maybe you should start meditating yourself.”  
“It won’t happen again. Well, not in private, but I might do something like that when I see our targets in the corner of my eye.” He smirked back at me. I just lifted one eyebrow.  
“You do know that agent also know what we just did, right.”  
“Yes. I am sorry, it was just very unprofessional of me.  
“It was.”

Four days later we had enough evidence on our target , his girlfriend had spilled to me where we could find it and Phil had invited them to dinner in the restaurant. A team recovered the evidence and arrested our target. The supporting team went back with our target, while we would stay one more night, to keep our cover intact. It had been a very trying week, emotionally speaking. Being able to touch and kiss him in public and keeping away from him as much as I could in private. We came back in our beach house after the arrest, and we were both feeling elated. The first thing I did after we got back, was take my medication, as our mission had been successful. I was planning on spending the evening in my room, meditating, reading and going to sleep early, just as I had done the nights before.  
“Please don’t.” Phil asked, almost pleading.  
“Don’t what?”  
“Lock yourself up again. Let’s celebrate.” He had taken a bottle of champagne out of the fridge and two glasses from a cupboard. He smiled at me. I deliberated if it would be a good idea, but stupid, stupid me blew all caution in the wind. I had already had a couple of glasses of wine. I smiled back at him.  
“Okay.”  
We walked out to the deck and sat on the couch. The air was cooling, but it wasn’t cold. He sat down next to me, and put his arm around my shoulder. His body felt warm, his scent was familiar.  
“I know it has been a hard week for you, but you did exceptional. I can feel a promotion coming on. I can see a fast rise in our ranks for you.” I felt flattered, but decided to be brutally honest.  
“So, in about four years I will be a senior agent and it will not be highly inappropriate anymore for us to be together, just slightly. We will have destroyed each other by then.” I looked up at him and saw him do the little jaw-thing he did when he internalised his emotions. He kissed my hair and said: “I know.”  
We sat there for a while, drinking our champagne, but I wasn’t in a celebratory mood. Tomorrow I would be back at the facility, and reality would set in again. We would be the director and junior agent again, instead of just Phil and Annika.  
“Are you okay?” He asked.  
“In this moment I am. Tomorrow is going to be a whole different story. I like being here, just the two of us, but tomorrow reality will hit us again, hard.”  
“Why don’t we just enjoy the moment then.” He put his head on mine. I kissed him.  
“What are you doing?” He asked.  
“Living in the moment.” I kissed him again. He responded to my kiss, I could feel the smirk on his face.  
We made love that night, passionate, desperate love. It was end - of – the – world sex, it was feverish, earthshaking, mind-bending sex like I never had experienced before. I called out his name, loud, and saw him go up in flames. It was wild, teasing, liberating, touching, life-affirming. We weren’t pretending everything would be okay, on the contrary. It felt like goodbye somehow. 

The next morning I woke up, his arms around me. The first moments I felt really good, but as the consequences of our actions sank in, I felt horrified. What had I done? What had we done? I wormed myself free from his arms and started to collect my clothing. Phil woke up. He smirked at me, but his face turned dark when he saw my expression.  
“Annika...”  
“Good morning, Director.”  
“Do you have to be like that?”  
“Yes. I have to distance myself from this situation, now!” Tears were welling up in my eyes. As I grabbed my bra off the floor I exited his room, crossed the living room and entered mine. I felt miserable, the high of last night a giant gaping hole now. I started getting dressed, and Phil entered my room.  
“We need to talk about it.”  
“No we don’t. What do you want to do? Have a secret affair until someone finds out and we both get into trouble? Go back to the way it was? How do you see this ending? There is no scenario this isn’t going to go up in flames. There are no picket fences, a dog and neighbourhood barbecues in our future.” He seemed hurt by my words, and left my room without another word.  
We didn’t say anything on the plane back. A soon as we were in the facility I went to my apartment. I don’t know where he went. 

A couple of days later he came to my apartment.  
“I think we should talk.” I stepped away from the door letting him in.  
“What’s there to talk about? We did what we did in the moment, and now we are back to being director and junior agent again.” I walked toward the kitchen, to make him some coffee, he followed me.  
“Are you okay?”  
“Not really , but that night didn’t change that. Makes me feel worse, but if it hadn’t happened I would not have been okay either. On the other hand, what happened makes me feel slightly better, I don’t know why, maybe because I feel that at least you have forgiven me. So it all evens out I guess. But I am okay with what happened, I think.” I lied through my teeth, and I knew he knew it, but I really, really didn’t want to talk about this with him. I wasn’t okay with what had happened, I felt devastated, not able to distance myself from him, the situation or my feelings.  
By then I had already set a plan in motion, using my new privileges of outside communication. Esther, my sorority sister, who was married to the Dutch Ambassador, was arranging a job for me at the embassy and I was welcome to stay at her guest house while I looked for an apartment. But I was waiting to turn in my resignation until everything was certain. There was no way I could spend more time here.  
I gave him a cup of coffee and took mine to the living room.  
“Is there anything I can do for you?”  
“Stop visiting me? Give me some space?”  
“What about my feelings, don’t they count?” I hadn’t expected that question. Of course he had feelings too, he probably felt as bad as I did. He sounded and looked angry all of the sudden.  
“I am sorry. I should be taking your feelings into account too. But you asked what you could do for me. That’s what you can do for me.”  
“I don’t want to stop visiting you, I want to be near you.” His anger had changed into desperation.  
“And that’s exactly why I asked you to keep some distance. You will never move on if you keep hanging around, and neither will I.” Tears were welling up in my eyes. Phil seemed to calm down.  
“Maybe I don’t want to move on.”  
“Then we have to find another solution, because we can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep doing this.” I started crying. He sat down next to me and put his arm around me. He stroked my hair, saying soothing words. I pushed back my tears and asked him: “Do you ever think how it would have been if I had really been a consultant and not an agent with Hydra? Where we would be right now?”  
“All the time. All I can be sure about is that we wouldn’t be sitting here, with you crying and me desperate to make this situation work, both professionally and personally.”  
“It feels like every time we talk I end up crying and you end up being the calm, collected one. Not a very good dynamic.”  
“I am only calm and collected on the outside, like you found out just now. It’s always just below the surface. Whether I am here or at work. Every time I get a second to breathe.”  
“I am happy you are finally opening up to me, not happy you are hurting too, but happy you are opening up.” He put his head in his hands. “What are we going to do?”  
This time I put my arm around him, consoling him.  
“I have no idea, I have no idea.”

Ten days later everything was arranged for my new life. I packed a suitcase with all my belongings, wrote a resignation letter and walked to my handlers office.  
“Oh hi Annika, what can I do for you?”  
“I am resigning, effective immediately. I have another job and a place to stay. I will keep taking my medication.”  
“Is this about Phil?”  
“Yes.”  
“I am sorry to hear that. I already felt that something wasn’t quite right after you guys came back. Agent Robinson told me he felt he had walked in on you.”  
I moved my hand to my face in a attempt to hide my expression.  
“Sit down and tell me what happened.”  
“What happened is between me and Philip. It’s not like I don’t want to work here anymore, I just can’t work for him anymore.”  
“Maybe sending the two of you to a tropical island pretending to be newlyweds was a bad idea.”  
“I told you it was. But you and Phil wouldn’t listen. I told you I wouldn’t be able to go back after.”  
“I am accepting your resignation. But you should go talk to him yourself.”  
“I understand.”  
I walked to his office, asked his secretary if he was in and if he would have time to talk to me. The poor woman was used to the emotional fights that came out of his office when I went in, so she let me in and grabbed her purse to go for a break.  
Phil looked at me intently, not really sure what to expect.  
“I just handed in my resignation. I will start working for the Dutch embassy on Monday and I will be staying with Esther and Maarten in their guesthouse starting tonight.” He nodded.  
“I understand. I wish you wouldn’t, but I understand.” I sat down on the chair on the other side of his desk.  
“There is just no way that either of us will ever move forward if I stay here. We will keep making the same mistake we made two weeks ago, and I don’t intend to be on that emotional rollercoaster any longer.”  
“You’ll be staying on your medication?”  
“Of course.”  
“Mind if we do some random testing? Just for a while?”  
“O f course not.”  
“I guess I have no choice other than letting you go. Although I wish it were different.”  
“So do I. I am glad we can handle this like adults.” I got up and walked to the door. Memories of me standing there, when I was a consultant bubbled up. I smiled a little, thinking of the first time I had met him, right in this office.  
“Goodbye Philip. And thank you.”  
“You’re welcome. Goodbye Annika.”  
I walked out of the door. At that moment I was sure I was never going to see him again. 

I had been working couple of weeks into my new job as a clerk for the Dutch embassy. It was a rainy, night, one of those night where you wondered how much rain could fall from the sky. There was a knock on the door of the guesthouse where I was staying.  
I opened the door and to my surprise I saw Pepper Potts. She was the last person I expected to see.  
“Hello Pepper, what can I do for you?”  
“Phil send me, he thinks he has a solution for the whole mess the two of you are in, but he needs to be sure about you. As I have always been a bit suspicious about you, he send me to acquire the information he needs. He says he can’t be objective.”  
“I understand. Can I offer you a drink? We could sit in the den while we talk.”  
“Coffee would be good.” I made us coffee, and took the two mugs to the den while Pepper followed me.  
“So tell me about this solution.”  
“I am not allowed to divulge anything about the solution. Phil will tell you if I approve.”  
“Okay. So what do you want to know.”  
“Have you been taking your medication?”  
“Of course, it was one of the conditions of letting me go.”  
“Okay, now for the hard part. What’s the deal between you and Phil.”  
“I care for him deeply, always will, but being around him hurt too much, especially since that last evening on that island.”  
“Because you can’t be together.”  
“Thing is, we can’t move on from each other if we see each other almost daily. I didn’t just leave for me, I left for him as well. He told me he hurts every time he sees me. Every time he sees me hurting. I don’t want him to hurt.” Pepper just cocked her head and told me to go. “I just needed to remove myself from the situation, it was toxic and would have destroyed the both of us. And it’s not that I don’t want to use my abilities for the greater good, to work against my former employers, but I just can’t work for Philip anymore. I don’t have my emotions under control around him, especially when I am off my meds, I send like crazy. And the fights… well the fights are awful. I just don’t want to have to fight him anymore.” I drank the last sip of my coffee, tears welling up in my eyes. “But I have no idea why I am telling you all this. Philip knows all this already. It’s something private between him and me.” I was surprised when she put her hand on my hand. “It’s going to be okay.” She took her phone out of her purse and send a message.  
“I am going now. All will be revealed soon.” She smirked a little.  
“So you are approving me?”  
“So it seems.” She walked to the door and I let her out. I was shocked by the sight on the other side of the door. A rain-soaked Phil, looking me in the eyes.  
“Come in.” He walked in from the rain. “How long have you been standing there?”  
“Since Pepper arrived.”  
“You shouldn’t be here, you know.”  
“I have the solution for the whole mess we’re in.”  
“I thought that we already found one.”  
“You need to be able to use your abilities for the greater good, but you can’t work for me. Your current job isn’t your calling. So I asked Steve.”  
“You asked Steve what?”  
“If he could use another mind controller in his team.”  
“You want me to become an Avenger?”  
“Yes. And he agreed. You would have to be off your medication, because you would have to be ready all the time for action. You would have to train with Natasha and Bruce, and you will have to train together with Wanda, get control over your abilities together. You can live in the facility, on one condition.”  
“Which is?”  
“You apologise to them. Pepper, Tony, Clint, Thor, Jane and Steve. I presume you have already apologised to Natasha and Bruce.”  
“Of course I will and I have. But I still don’t get how this will fix our mess.”  
“Well, while it would be highly inappropriate for the director of shield to be in a relationship with a junior agent, it would be okay if he would take an Avenger out for dinner sometime.” He smiled at me.  
“I would like that.” I smiled at him.  
“Report to the Avengers facility on Monday, 9 am sharp, Steve will show you around. Bring your stuff. I will pick you up for dinner that evening around seven, wear something pretty.” He smirked at me and left the guesthouse. From the moment Pepper had knocked on my door not an hour had passed and Phil had once again overthrown my whole life.  
So there I was on Monday. 8.55 am. I walked into the facility, my hands sweaty, with again all my possessions in one suitcase. I walked up to the receptionist.  
“Good morning, my name is…”  
“Annika Schmidt, yes we have been expecting you. Let me call Mr. Rogers. Welcome to the team, my name is Helen. I guess we will be seeing a lot more of each other.” She smiled a friendly and genuine smile.  
“Thank you, Helen.” She called a number and told the other person on the line: “She is here.”  
A couple of minutes later Steve Rogers came out of the elevator. He was even more impressive in real life than he was on TV. He smiled at me and walked to me with his hand out.  
“Welcome Annika. Let me show you around. First I will show you your apartment, as you will probably want to get rid of your suitcase, may I?” He put out his hand for my suitcase and picked it up like it weighed one pound instead of fifty. As we got into the elevator I tried to apologise.  
“Steve, I would like to apologise.”  
“For what? For being Hydra? You are not the first one here who used to be Hydra. You aren’t the person who leaked the video, so there is nothing to apologise for.”  
“I distracted Philip while he should have been focussing on you guys.”  
“Yeah, and Wanda mind controlled me. It’s okay.” We got out of the elevator and into a hall.  
“These are our living quarters. I had one prepared for you. We usually eat together, but if you would prefer to eat alone, you will have a small kitchen.” He opened a door with a key card and gave the key card to me. “This is it. It’s not big, but it’s got everything.” It was a one bedroom apartment with a small kitchen, a living room and a bedroom with an en-suite bathroom. The room was sparsely furnished, but it somehow felt perfect. Steve set down my suitcase in the bedroom.  
“I will show you to the communal areas first.” We walked down the hall and went around a corner.  
“So you and Phil, huh.”  
“Yes.”  
“Guess he finally forgave you.”  
“I hope so.”  
“He really wanted you here, you know.”  
“I am just glad you accepted me.” We walked into a large kitchen. There was a huge dining table, several fridges and multiple dishwashers. There were also some couches and a big TV. On the other side was a bar and two doors opening to a balcony.  
“So this is the kitchen. We have lunch here at 1 pm and dinner at 7. We have a cook, she cooks healthy and you eat what’s served unless you are allergic.” That wasn’t a problem for me, as I was taught to eat what my targets would like me to eat.  
“Okay.”  
“But I heard tonight you won’t be eating with us.”  
“No, I guess not.”  
“I hope we will be seeing a lot of Phil in the future.”  
“I hope so too.”  
He walked me to a very large and well equipped gym.  
“This is where you will be working with Natasha. Two hours, twice a day. She made a schedule for you, with cardio, weights, combat training, yoga, the works.” We walked to the next room, it was a meditation room. “After working out in the morning, you will work with Bruce, he will incorporate you in his schedule, two hours of meditation and mindfulness. You will train your brain to master your emotions. But I guess you have already started that. In the afternoon you will spend two hours training with Wanda. The two of you will help each other with your powers. I think it will also be good for you to have the support of another ex-hydra mind controller.” We walked to the next room, it was a medical ward. “This is the medical ward, you will receive weekly checkups. I have arranged for you to have one this afternoon, after lunch.” We walked back to my apartment.  
“I will leave you alone for now, I expect you for lunch at one.”  
“Steve, thanks again for having me.”  
“You’re welcome, I am looking forward to seeing you work, I would really like to set you against Thor, see if your skills work against Asgardians, if they do, you would be a real weapon against Loki.”  
“That would be interesting.”  
“But you should also know, taking you in was also a favour to Phil, mess with his feelings again and you are out.” I smiled at him. “I wasn’t planning on it, Steve. It’s good that you’re such a loyal friend.”  
“I will see you at one.”  
“Of course.” After he had left I walked around my new home. I went into the bedroom, opened my suitcase and started unpacking. It didn’t take longer than 15 minutes. After that I just decided to read a book.  
Just before one I went to the kitchen. Steve was there, Natasha and Bruce of course, but also Maria Hill, Clint Barton and Wanda. They all looked at me, making me feel uncomfortable. The table was covered with healthy food, fresh sourdough bread, eggs, vegetables, fruit, nuts, grilled chicken, yoghurt, everything that was needed for the health nut.  
“Sit down and dig in, Annika, how will you ever keep up with my training if you don’t eat?” Natasha told me. We weren’t friends, but we had developed a certain respect for each other in the past couple of months. I sat down and started preparing some lunch for myself. The silence around me felt uncomfortable, like they had spoken about me amongst themselves.  
“If there is anything anyone of you have to say, please do, this silence is killing me.” I said, a bit out of character. Bruce sat back, interested in any drama that would follow.  
“I have nothing to say to you.” Clint said, “You almost got me thrown in jail.”  
“She had nothing to do with that, Clint, and you know it, she was just one cog in a big machine.”  
“I am sorry Clint, for hurting you, for hurting Phil, for hurting all of you.” I started fidgeting. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but we do have to work together, so we should learn to trust each other professionally.”  
“Come on Clint, if Phil can learn to trust her again, forgive her, so can you, what she did to him was way worse than what you perceive her doing to you.” Maria said.  
“I will try to forgive, and try to trust, but don’t expect us to be friends.”  
“Talking about Phil, Annika, what are you planning to wear tonight?” Maria asked.  
“Does everybody know?” I asked.  
“We have no secrets here. It’s like one big family.”  
“Haven’t thought about it what I’m wearing, it’s not like I have huge wardrobe.”  
“He will pick you up by seven right, come over to my room at five-thirty, we will pick something out, we are about the same size.”  
“Thank you.”  
“Steve, how good is the sound proofing of our rooms? I have the apartment next to her and if she and Phil are getting back together tonight, I really don’t want to hear it.” Clint joked.  
“Well, if you have to ask, then you should know it’s good.” Natasha told Clint, “Because you haven’t heard when Steve visits.” Steve started blushing.  
The rest of lunch was more comfortable. After lunch I went for my medical check up, and was medically approved for Avengers duty, which meant I was healthy and fit. I went back to my apartment, walking around, pacing, getting nervous for my dinner with Phil. A week ago I had thought I would never see him again, now he had turned my life around again and was picking me up for dinner in a couple of hours.  
At five-thirty I walked to my other neighbour, Maria. I knocked on the door and she opened with a smile.  
“We need to put you into something pretty. I have some options picked out already, things he might like.”  
“Thanks Maria.”  
“You know, if Phil can forgive you for the shit you pulled, so can I. But if you hurt him again, I will kill you. I am very deadly you know.” I followed her to the bedroom of the apartment that was exactly the same as mine, but had some more personal things in it. Pictures, knick knacks and souvenirs.  
“I wasn’t planning on it.”  
“Good.”  
We picked out a emerald green lace cocktail dress with an open back. Funny how I would again wear a dress with a vintage look for my new beginning with Phil. The green satin shoes she had for me were a little tight, but nothing to worry about. I gave Maria a big hug before I went back to my own place, I finished the outfit with a pearl necklace and earrings I had bought one of the first times I had gone out with my handler.  
At exactly 7 pm there was a knock on my door. Phil had always been punctual. I rubbed my sweaty hands on my dress and walked to the door to open it. There he was. He was wearing the suit he had worn at our fake wedding, blue with a light blue pinstripe. He was wearing a light blue shirt, no tie.  
“Hi.”  
“Hi, you look amazing.”  
“Well, so do you.” I could have just stayed there, staring at him forever.  
“Shall we go? I have made reservations.” He held out his arm, so I could link my arm under it.  
We walked out of my apartment, took the lift down to the ground floor and walked out of the facility. Lola was parked right in front of the main entrance, like it was his right. It felt both comfortable and familiar on the one hand, on the other it felt slightly uncomfortable. We had spend five months fighting and crying, before that I spend three months as a prisoner, three months as the enemy and three months as his girlfriend. When he opened the passenger door to me, he looked at my back.  
“Is that one of Maria’s dresses?”  
“Yes.”  
“I thought I recognised it. I like it better on you, but don’t tell her that.” I smiled. In the car we talked about my first day with the Avengers.  
He took me to a very nice restaurant, and we just talked all night, reacquainting ourselves. During my time at shield we never really talked, we were both too emotional for that. We talked about my time with Hydra, but also about my time in D.C. I asked him about his recovery. But we also talked about things normal people would talk about, like music, movies, books. He asked me how many languages I really speak. I told him it was not just five living and three dead, but eight living and four dead languages. I continued the conversation with him in fluent Spanish, just to tease him.  
After dinner I asked him if he wanted to come back to my place. He wondered if we could get in without anyone seeing us.  
“No way, but we’re both adults. They are mostly just happy for you.” He lifted one eyebrow. “Havent I told you? They are like a bunch of little children, the breakfast club with powers. They gossip, they use their interrogation skills to get private information, they worry about sound proofing.”  
And like I could have predicted, as soon as we got on the floor where our living quarters were situated we just ‘coincidently’ ran into Steve and Natasha. As Steve was talking to Phil, Natasha whispered: “I put a bottle of champagne in your fridge. It’s not like he has to drive home tonight, right.” I thanked the spy. “Steve, why don’t we go to your room tonight?” She winked at me and whisked the super soldier away.  
As soon as I had closed the door of my apartment I kissed him, for the first time that evening. He kissed me back. We moved to my bedroom leaving a trail of clothes. Although it was different from that night on the island, it was still earthshaking and mind-blowing. It wasn’t desperate this time, but soft and slow, like we had all the time in the world. And when I woke up in his arms the next morning I wasn’t horrified, I just felt happy. When I saw the time I got up.  
“Philip, I need to get up, Natasha expects me in the gym in 45 minutes and I have to shower and have breakfast before that.”  
Phil woke up, smiling.  
“Sure, honey.” I got into the shower, hoping Natasha wouldn’t be too hard on me today, because I was quite sore. As I got into my workout clothes, Phil took a shower. I waited for him to get dressed, so we could walk to the kitchen together. I had an inkling that everyone expected Phil to be there anyway. And just as I expected everyone in the kitchen fell silent as we entered. Phil just smiled smugly at them and made himself and me some oatmeal with fresh fruit. I started to make us coffee. The first one who dared come up to us was Maria.  
“So how was dinner?” She pulled me to the side and talked in a low voice: “Natasha, Wanda and me want to invite you to girls night tonight. I will pick you up after dinner, we got our special little place for it, we want to know all about yesterday.”  
I saw Phil talking to Clint and Steve, I saw how he much he felt at home between these extraordinary people. At that moment, with that invitation and the knowledge of how well we both fit in here, I felt like everything would be okay.  
Since then, I have been trying to make it all work. I have been working with the Avengers, they have all accepted my apologies. Working with Thor to see how I can focus enough to manipulate an Asgardian is interesting. Working with Natasha made me strong and flexible, working with Bruce made me strong and flexible in other ways. My relationship with Phil is good, not strained anymore, just enjoying each other’s company, seeing where things go. I am once again his girlfriend, which makes me happy. I think it makes him happy too.


End file.
